… and busy laziness!
And lazy busyness.
The latter first: Where am I (me, the soul) in all my frantic work and home responsibilities?
Personally, this year has been massive for me in terms of deaths and births (jobs, living situations, cars, diets, injuries, family members) and part of me is really grateful and proud that I haven’t lost my mind completely!
I am surfing the waves, not drowning.
Coping with minimal crumbling.
My essence and functionality feel and look fine…
… but the wholer parts; the fulfilment, the enrichment, the finer and esoteric…
… little chips are falling away.
And I value my spirituality enough to know they are serious.
I flit either side of the golden balance:
“C’mon, this is life, you gotta do what you gotta do.”
“This has to stop now because my biggest priorities are slipping.”
Somewhere in between is a reality that is neither in crisis nor complacency.
An awareness beyond the temporary that calls out the crooks but accepts them with kindness.
For example, I feel the pull of my soul to give more to my meditation and relationship with the Divine, and know that I make a few too many excuses about tiredness and “more important things” to avoid those responsibilities. But I’m also kind to this little spat in life that is properly meeting “the real world” of recognised career titles and ridiculous credit card bills.
I chose it, but it’s really hard.
My relationship with body, mind and Soul are like those between friends.
They need regular investment of time and energy to feel loved and balanced – and I feel guilty when I come face-to-face with them after days of “being too busy” to answer their calls.
(Co-incidently, I do this with real people too, and hope anyone who reads or shares in this insight can understand that it is because I haven’t learned this on personal or inter-personal levels yet!).
This is why when I do take the time to invest in myself away from my emails and projects, it takes real effort.
It is undivided presence, stone-cold-sober sattva (energy of goodness or purity) versus the dippy, distracted fervour of rajas (passion or greed).
The latter is uncomfortable, unsustainable yet I linger there because it is familiar.
I want to say it’s easier but it’s not. It’s hard to be there. It’s exhausting.
The choice is easier, but the consequence isn’t.
It’s an opt-in for ignorance, a running away from my personal reality that will long outlive my little work projects and the money that dips in and (soon enough) out of the bank from them.
The solution is not to stop working – I am singling out the “sin” of mental selfishness taking over the situation, not the situation itself.
The self-absorbing abandon that is struggling but with an undercoat of frustration, guilt and shame that then turns away from the things or People who could help.
It shirks responsibilities and procrastinates penance.
I don’t want to face, I don’t want to feel, because of discomfort.
This is lazy busyness.
It becomes a pattern then, “habit energy” as my spiritual teacher calls it, and I see myself then create busyness to perpetuate this habit.
I know better but I put up a pretty weak fight.
An easy surrender back in to the swirl, every Monday morning.
“I’m not lazy, I’m working 60/65-hour weeks!”
But working on my computer is a shallow second-or-fifth-best to working on myself, and for THAT I am lazy.
Maybe it’s my generation. Maybe it’s holes in the aura or intoxication’s permanent hangover.
Or perhaps, digging like a true Scorpion, it is linked right back to root of this materialistic world.
Where the soul comes to Enjoy and Control, and anything contrary feels unnatural, especially the natural, enjoyable qualities of Service and Sacrifice.
Tomato, tom-a-to. 50/50. Unimportant is the reason, of course, because the I know what the real work is and it is to be done away from these words and away from this screen.
And I’m still procrastinating!
But doing it in a humble state of processing, with prayers, and what I hope is enough sincerity keep pushing me on…
… pushing me to be still, ironically, to be silent, and to keep searching deeper within the internal world that exists for every soul if they take the time to seek and say “Hare Krsna”.
That sweet observation – lazy busyness.
It doesn’t look much, but it’s everything…
… and I pray to carve it out and defend it to the death in my calendar week after week, lifetime after lifetime.