Energy levels…

If phones were round, would I feel less boxed in by using them?

Or maybe computers could be triangles

to stop me going round in circles.

I love people.

Spirituality or sentimentality/

not quite sure

but either way

I feel my heart open more and more;

helping others gets me out of bed in the morning.

But I’m feeling increasingly drained by it

I need more and more time on my own, and with my own.

Maybe now I’m just more aware of my energy

and energy itself.

Maybe it’s my new post-marriage diet

love affairs with real toast

and sweets with sugar in them.

Maybe I’m getting old!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little bit miffed with God.

If He wants me to care about people

which He probably does

in fact, He says it’s my destiny

my very essence…

surely trying to align with that should unlock bonus energy points?

Why is it so tiring?!

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Answer: purity, or lack thereof?

Ps. I’m trying not to be miffed with God, it just feels cathartic to blame someone else sometimes.

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The need for balance is an imbalance…

“The need for balance is an imbalance.”

This came to me recently, which is a shame really, because I’ve strived for balance my whole life!

I’m so naturally prone, even attracted, to extremism and wonkiness.

I acknowledge that in life, to the degree that we identify with being human (which I know for me is very much), our human needs demand even foundations on which to build on.

Some sense of sanity, clarity, organisation, rationale, justice, synonym.

But there comes a time to move past these dry entities.

The need for them in the first place is a kind of insecurity, even control-freakery.

Implicit in a hiker’s insistence on tracks with exclusively flat terrain, must be an ankle or knee injury?

Wouldn’t hills, caves and stepping-stones add variety and excitement otherwise?

For those who accept Vedic teachings, it is understood that true personhood (in likeness of the Truest Person), and God’s will, are not limited by any human or societal conception.

Self-expression, in its purest form, is free.

Love, in its purest form, has no rules.

I read today a blog [paraphrased here] called “My boyfriend told me to F*** O**, now what?”.

You’re welcome to read it. I found it challenging and refreshing.

Most truths simultaneously stretch and satisfy me in this way.

This particular part resonated with my previous thoughts:

“Rules, passion and love don’t go together. Rules make for a restricted, but perhaps sometimes more “equal” relationship where passion and spontaneity and depth of love are not expressed. Essentially, if you think your partner must never say certain things to you – and you then let that stop you making connection with them in retaliation – you are operating from a script. A pre-prescribed, out-dated rule”.

This “weighing-scale”, “merchant” mentality surrounding life and love is a really hard mental habit to recover from.

Not even just in romantic love, in all our interactions.

To be so measured, so self-centred with our personal tape-measures and tallies, is a real disservice to ourselves and others.

True balance is to disregard (our subjective concept of) balance, and simply flow.

Intelligent, focused fluidity.

To allow some pushes and pulls from people (as no doubt they do with us) and to humbly tolerate in spite of arising ego-righteousness (as we can be sure they also lovingly swallow for us).

Particularly when their intention is good.

And ESPECIALLY when their intention is spiritual.

Bear in mind though, I only believe these things because I’ve been blessed to glimpse them exemplified in real people.

To Srila Prabhupada, the most complete personal example, and the people who truly represent him, I’m grateful.

Also to my husband, who patiently, repeatedly pulls me off my trapeze and reminds me that I can learn more on the ground.

AND to you and your comments, I’m so open to hear.

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Cavtat, Croatia

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Power and peace in our lives…

We are totally responsible for our own lives, which gives us total power in them.

Everything we get dealt with is based on our decisions, in this life or lives before.

No space for blame; only for gratitude, for what you have and that things aren’t worse.

Love the people you rub shoulders and egos with, for they are simply doing what is best for them or what they think is best.

So either relate to them for their attempts to gain or empathise with them for their losses and lacks.

Maybe they aren’t far enough along the path to know any better.

Or maybe you aren’t.

You would have to have arrived at the destination, or have drawn the map, to know for sure.

So don’t envy those who have found temporary happiness, even at your expense.

Theirs will go and yours will come.

Don’t gloat over their temporary distress.

Theirs will go and yours will come.

Don’t blindly trust they are right, but don’t wholeheartedly trust that you are.

At the end of the day:

Life is short.

Love makes the characters in the story, and time tells it.

Love, the cosmos, Lord Caitanya, has already written it and gone to print.

The book is already bound.

You just have to decide whether your name gets Tip-exed out.

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The best low*

I felt very strongly about my spiritual teacher yesterday. It was so hard to find ANY words for how the realisations I get with his mercy make me feel.

But I really forced myself, because although these spiritual glimmers are beyond words, I can’t help but feel a duty to at least try to portray a snapshot as a promotion in His name.

Hare Krsna!

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Existentially grounded

rooted in water

fluid

yet

immovable.

Prairie

meadow heartspace-

mellow

strong

grace

belonging.

Heartache,

breaking

ego

goodness

all good

THE BEST 

high

is actually a low.

Humility

a goal;

my souls rest.

Fools rush in,

I’m no angel, 

that’s the miracle.

*

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Imperfect action; welcoming myself back after 3 and a half years…

I’ve stood on the sidelines for a few years by society’s standards, working on my heart and head before jumping back in to the game.

Aged 20-25, the peak of the game for most, yet I channeled my youthful enthusiasm internally and worked hard on the bench.

No romantic relationships, no proper job out in the world, few responsibilities.

This by no means was inertia or boredom, I learned so much, but there’s some lessons that it seems only life is teaching me.

Taking imperfect action is one of them.

Why else would I stop writing this blog after a few entries? I love writing!

Even in my personal journals, normally I would fill a big notebook in 6 months and I haven’t filled a crappy little a6 in 3 years.

Trapped by my own perfectionism.

Talked out of my wishes, my dreams, by my so-called well-wisher.

My mind, masquerading.

ME, I, I’m trapped in that cage of conditioning, those narrow side-streets and samskaras.

That ego, so concerned and protective.

But no regrets, this avid journaler has found out other ways to process, and life’s lessons certainly haven’t relented.

Accelerated more like, as I’ve hopped on to the marriage bandwagon.

(There’s nothing like another mind, ego and soul to reflect yours back in excruciating and beautiful ways.)

So, partly thanks to that special man, in these years since I last posted, I’ve learned more self-acceptance.

I’ve also learned about the need for me to do things I love, as well as the 101 other things on the to-do list.

That’s why I’m beginning again here today.

So here’s to writing; a thing I love but that scares me, because the endless possibilities it presents can look either shiny or dark depending on the metaphorical weather over my head.

Sometimes I can get lost in emotions as I struggle to express them.

Sometimes words encircle and hold the emotions so completely, they feel totally safe and melt in gratitude.

In those moments, I feel something Divine flowing through my pen…

… and in Earthly business, I need to practise writing and using WordPress 😉

So that perfection-monster is being kept at bay, not being allowed more than 30 minutes for any post.

Mind squirms, but life is busy and time is precious so “tough shit”, as they say.

Excuse my Northern roots.

Time’s up!

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Queen of the World*

“Freshers” students in Cardiff – passionate whirlwinds of neon and naivety.

I look wistfully at all these little gods; I feel compassionate and maternal, jaded and envious… “I remember when I used to be Queen of the World.”

Oh wait. I never was, I just thought I was. I’m not God now and I never will be.

A bitter pill for the false ego to swallow… though when washed down with sweet service, it is the remedy to the root of all struggles.

The soul breathes relief, bathing in spiritual reality. *

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dethrone this ego

renounce this crown

fall

down

from God/

face

down

I’m not God?

feet

down

on the ground.

Decentre/

rebuild/

Transcend.

Truth

in servitude

the safest place

the steady rock

awash

clinging

in samsara’s ocean

a drop

clashing

ripples

in maya’s pond.

Knock, knock

is there anybody alive out there?

I pray

pick me

up

place me

down

as a particle/

at your lotus feet.

(imperfection/ Perfection.)

 

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Everything/ nothing/ Something.+

“I am everything, I am nothing”.

My 17 year-old literary romanticism leaves these words inked into my skin for the remainder of this body’s existence, paving the way very nicely for 18 year-old God imitation (“Everything”) and 19 year-old Mayavadi concoctions (“nothing”). Rolls eyes. Thankfully the tattoo is rarely visible, though I still feel the hangover of such consciousness.

My karma in this life has blessed me with material love, support and academic ability; I excelled in school from a young age and as the only child of adoring parents, naturally had a lot of dreams and expectations pumped into me.

“The world is your oyster”.

Searching for, running from and avoiding decisions and commitments for the last 4 years, I’ve stumbled upon a simple yet powerful realization… I’ve been so busy waiting for the “everything” an old me dreamed of that I have resisted the Everything the real me is being offered.

I’m not everyone and I’m not no one; I am Someone, an individual spark of God’s energy. I’ll drive myself mad trying to do Everything that I’ll end up achieving Nothing, when actually I could do Something.

Such a insigificant life, but through mercy of my spiritual guide I may still be able to do something significant. I am just a spark (small) but linked to the Supreme (big), I can make a difference in this world. At the very least I can try 🙂

Haribol!

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nama om visnu padaya
krsna presthaya bhu-tale

srimate Devamrita swamin iti namine

pracare purva-daksyam ca bhaktacara pravinata

pararthatapi karunyam yasya sarve ca te namah

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